Comedy for ELT - Jokes 1 [Men and Women]

Jokes are short, fun and versatile! They are extremely useful in ELT -- from building confidence and fluency to helping students 'colour their voice' by developing their prosodic features. If you can understand jokes in the L2, you are very good -- if you can tell a joke well, you are excellent! So here are 7 jokes for you to use with your students. Naturally, this first batch is on Men and Women... Level: C1 -- C2 Topic: Relationships [NB: I do not own the copyright to this audio file. I have uploaded it here for educational purposes]. SCRIPT MEN AND WINE Men are like fine wine… They all start out like grapes and it’s our job to stamp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with!! ** There was a little more enthusiasm * over that joke than I thought was suitable!! A FUNERAL So – it was Mr Ryan’s funeral, and the pall-bearers were carrying the casket out from the church, and they bumped into a pillar and one of them heard a moan from inside the casket, so they opened it and they found that Mr Ryan was still alive! Well, God be praised! He lived for 10 more years and then he finally died and the funeral was held, and at the end the pall-bearers were carrying out the casket and Mrs Ryan said: ‘Watch out for that pillar!!’ * DYING MAN You know… honey… You’ve always been with me through all my troubles… through all my bad times you’ve been there… (Don’t try to talk, don’t…) When I got fired, you were there… when my business went down the toilet, you were there… when I had the first heart-attack you were there... and when we lost the house, and then when I got cancer you were always by my side… (Yes…) You know something? (What?) I think you’re bad luck… * THREE WISE WOMEN If there had been 3 Wise Women going to Bethlehem, they would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, clean the stable, made a mean and brought some practical gifts!! ** THE DEVIL One morning the Devil decided to go to church, and attack my tongue! :-) and then ** and then he appeared suddenly, just before the offering was, in a shower of flame and sparks and smoke he ran up and down the aisle screaming and all the congregation, well, they ran except for an old man who was sitting on the back… The Devil leans over and shakes his spear and lets out this big roar and says ‘I am Satan Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness, I am evil incarnate; do you not fear me?? The old man says: ‘Why should I? I’ve been married to your sister for 48 years!! ** - That’s one of those jokes… EUPHEMISMS I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t say that my husband eats like a pig – he suffers from ‘Reverse bulimia’; he’s not short and fat – I’d say he is ‘anatomically compact’; we don’t call it a beer belly – it’s a ‘Liquid Grain Storage Facility’; * he isn’t silent, no, he is simply a ‘Conversational Minimalist’; and he doesn’t get lost, no – he discovers ‘alternative destinations’! * THE PIT-BULL There was a young woman who walked out into the street and she saw a funeral procession coming – she’d never seen one like it; there was a black hearse and behind it there was an older woman who was leading a pit-bull on a leash, and after that was another hearse and behind that was a line of 200 women walking single-file. The young woman walked up to the older woman leading the dog and said ‘I’m sorry to intrude on your moment of grief, but I can’t help but ask what.. what… whose funeral is this?’ And the old woman said ‘Well, my husband is in that hearse – up there. The pit-bull killed him when it discovered him with his girlfriend and she is in that hearse back there.’ The young woman said ‘Could I borrow that dog?’ * And the old woman said ‘Get in line!’ **